Being a child growing under divorced parents and being confused what really happened between my parents and not knowing where my real home is. I was raised by father who is very loving and supporting; and someone who loves education.
But there was something bothering my father that I could not finger it out especially when I talked about my mother and I asked myself what really went wrong between them. My father got married to another woman who became my step-mother at first the relationship between her and I was perfect, as years went by my mother showed up at father’s place looking for me and I did not know my mother till I was thirteen years and that caused the relationship between my step-mother and I to become sour.
My father was not around when my mother showed up, my mother introduced herself to my step-mother and by that time I was in the bedroom, so I was called to meet my mother and I felt like my prayers have been answered and scared at the same time. I had so many questions but afraid to ask. My mother explained herself to us that she is my mother and that she is being looking for me for a long time.
When my father came back, my step mother told my father that my biological mother came looking for me and my father was very furious but still he did not tell what went wrong between them. My step mother started treating me very badly. During that year I did not get christmas clothes and I asked my biological mother to buy some clothes for the christmas and my father refused.
I remember one morning when I was preparing myself for school, my step mother told me that my father’s house is not my home and the car that my father was driving was not mine, I should go to my mother that is where my home is. Those words hurt me so much and I did not even contrate in the class that day and my performance at school was deteriorating.
Each after school when I think about going home I would be very sad wishing that I could sleep at school. I was in my own world suffering and when I am in my bedroom, I would just cry thinking that I was born in wrong family. I felt so alone and I thought that my father did not love me.
One friday afternoon, I disappeared without any trace, I went to stay with my biological mother and everything was fine. Saturday morning my step came to my mother’s place looking for me and my mother told her that I was fine; and she should leave me alone. I stayed with my mother for eight months and during that period, someone told me that my father is divorcing my step mother. I was very excited about the news.
I told my mother the news and I asked her to go back to stay with my father, and she agreed. I went back to stay with my father and he took me back, and he promised me to take me to private school. I started my grade 10 in private school where my father was paying a lot of money every month. During weekends I would pay my mother a visit but my father was not happy with that.
One sunday afternoon when I was from my mother, my father called me and said that we need to talk, he explained everything that went wrong between him and my mother, he asked to stop seeing my mother because he was afraid that my mother could give me something that could kill him and I was very angry thinking how could he think that I will kill him, and furthermore he said that if I want to see my mother then she should pay my fees, I felt like I am a lottery between my parents, I was not feeling any love at all.
I asked myself what kind of love is this? but I stopped seeing my mother for the sake of my future and I told myself that when time is right I will ask all the questions. The problem with our parents is that they die with the secrets that affect their children’s life and that’s being selfish. I was dying inside not seeing my mother and I was praying to God to keep her until we meet again.
I did not see my mother until I was at tertiary and when I was doing my second year I started contacting my mother and I paid her a visit without my father knowing, the mistake I did is when I gave her the cellphone number to contact me and one day I forgot to take my cell phone at home and my mother called and the phone was answered by another step mother whom my father got married to for the third time and she lealised that it was my mother looking for me and she said I was not around, she took the message. When I was from school, she told me that my mother called and the news were relayed to my father and my father asked to choose between him and my mother, and he repeated the same words that if I want to go my mother, she should pay all my fees.
I stopped seeing my mother again until I graduated. When I started to work, I went back to seeing my mother and I asked her tell me everything that happened between her and my father, and she told me something totally different from what my father told me and I did not choose any side, I said to my mother lets start all over again and this time I will never disappear.
Now being a young adult, I approached my father and told him how I felt about everything that he did, and I realised that he is still hurting from the past, he does not want to let go. Today, I am about to get married and I have asked my uncles on my mother’s side to go to pay lobola at my fiancee’s parents home and I told my father that I want my uncles to come straight to him to give a feed back of the negotiations, he refused and said that he does not want them in his home because he had a fight with my mother three decades ago.
I asked him that what is he teaching my younger brothers, basically he is teaching them not forgive and take their hurts to the grave yard and that’s how most people live their lives and they are hurting themselves . Forgiving is not a choice but it is a necessity. When you forgive someone, it is like you are realising that person from your system and you feel free.
My fiancee and I have decided that we will have our wedding in city hall without bothering anyone, I really do not know what is going to happen because I want both my parents to be present, they have to get together for my own sake, because that would be my biggest day ever, so I do not want any interruptions.
Most people do not realise that success comes from inside-out, if you are hurting inside and you are not willing to forgive, you are blocking your own success, now looking at my father life, it is not pleasing at all and I told him that he is struggling because of the anger that he has inside and is killing him. Today he suffering from hypertension because of this anger and where there is anger, there is danger, someone might die prematurely.
The best revenge you can give your enemies is to forgive them, it is the last thing your enemies want you to do.
A person should leave by the following steps:
- Acknowledge that you are hurting
- Check if you do not have a share in the conflict, no matter how small, if there is any share forgive yoursef
- Be thankful that the hurt you are experiencing is not bigger than it is
- Choose to forgive
- Be commited to your choice by resisting any temptation to justify unforgiveness
- Communicate and clear the air
- Pursue restoration-if nothing changes, do not push it, it is not your duty-realise the person
- Let go of the past, move on and embrace the future.
May the love of God bless you all!